I try to listen with great empathy and patience. However, I have at least one really bad listening habit.

When I’m not satisfied with your explanation I too often look through you in a way that reads, “That’s just dumb. You’re an idiot.” Naturally, I’ve never seen this look. Well, not on my own face at least. But I know when it’s there, and sometimes I’m told.

Maybe if I’m honest with myself I do think, “That’s just dumb.” I’m not thinking, “You’re an idiot.” Inside my head I’m searching for the satisfying answer on your behalf. And in this way I feel I’m being charitable and far less judgmental than it outwardly appears. With luck I can find a few questions, and together we’ll work toward a satisfying conclusion.

Of course, I’m indebted to you if my external behavior, intentional or not, leads you to think less of yourself. Debt no internal charity can repay.

I like to interview people I meet, that’s just how I talk to people, even in the most casual situations. I ask them a ton of questions, see if I can really listen, turn the thing around in my head and ask more questions. Maybe I’m the next Terry Gross. *shudder*

I must admit, I sometimes feel a little guilty when I do this. People may not always be prepared to share detailed logistics of, or the reasons behind, what they do. I try not to lead conversations anywhere too intimate, but I’ll occasionally have to preface with “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer this, but… .” And for some it can be very uncomfortable to do most of the talking, even when you’re just answering questions. But I’m selfish, so I interview anyway.

“What do you do?” “What factors are informing what you do?” “What do you do in this situation?” Ultimately, I want to know how a person thinks. All the other details will soon be forgotten, but I’ll take away a general sense of their priorities and loyalties.

The next trick, when appropriate, is to challenge them. “How would you imagine that system working if applied here?” “What if we introduced this third party?” “Maybe you should be thinking about this.” “You know, it sounds like you’re repeating this mistake.”

—

My motto: No one needs to apologize to anyone for being who they really are, but what they do, and they must always be forgiven.

Good friends of mine, A Famous Letter Writer, wrote this song Fine Times.

You’ve gotta listen extra hard if you wanna talk
Pick up your cot if you wanna walk
Learn to forgive to forgive your faults
It’s hard to do it anyway

They said they’d save the very best for last
That’s why we drank the wine up fast
Life is just a half empty glass
We drank it anyway

Yeah, you knew all about the loaded dice I threw
You knew the things I thought I thought I only knew
You’re someone I’m really glad I knew
But you knew that anyway

What’s past is past. What’s done is done
So hold on to the rest of your days
This too shall pass, said the bullet to the gun
I deserve neither blame nor praise

There’s nothing to confess
Nothing but your best has been on my mind

Forgiving and listening are difficult, and I can’t say I always succeed, but that’s the idea. The payoff is that just about everyone I meet seems pretty groovy and smart. People are great, usually you just need to ask them to show it.

—

The next time I go to Ruggers on the South Side, I hope to see this available on the Juke Box. Their collection is off to a very nice start, so stop in sometime.

Sweet ‘69 – Babes in Toyland